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Stick it to me

By Keegan Prosser on September 13, 2012 – No Comment

Loud and About Column by Heija Nunn

There are few things I despise more than having my picture taken. Only recently have I figured out that the fastest way to make a camera disappear is to “say cheese” and get it over with, the same way pulling a Band-Aid off fast is less painful than glacial peeling.

My column photo is a perfect example of my photophobia. After many attempts to get me to smile like a normal person, we finally gave up and decided to mask my smile with what else, but MASKing tape. Every time I see that shot, I am reminded of the many ways tape saves the day and holds our lives together.

At my house, tape, is the second most difficult item to locate; wedged behind the demands of a working pen or pencil and my wayward hairbrush. And yet yesterday, when I turned the house upside down to find six matching nails, it seems like all I could find was tape, tape and more tape.

We have tape for any occasion. Just sitting at my desk I can put my hands on Scotch tape, correction tape and double-sided tape. Scattered throughout the house we have permanent and removable poster tape, photo tape, blue tape and the new even MORE removable green painter’s tape. Of course we also have athletic tape, first aid tape and a few accidentally purchased rolls of off-brand and ignored “Cello Tape.”

My absolute favorite way to use tape is for gift wrapping, so naturally we have pop up wrist dispensers and special satin tape that supposedly doesn’t show on decorative paper — lies! Crystal clear or double-stick are better choices. I imagine that the reason Santa doesn’t have to work in the off-season is that he had the good sense to become an early investor in 3M. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn the board is top heavy with elves!

But Santa doesn’t rest on his investing laurels; he is also a trend spotter. He was stuffing my kids’ stocking with fat rolls of Duct Tape long before brands like Alex Toys and Fashion Angels caught on and began decorating and packaging tape to sell as … gasp … playthings. I am surprised it took them this long.

Is there anything more entertaining than putting a piece of tape on a toddler’s fingertip and then watching them try to figure out how to remove it?

I have learned to rely on tape to get me out of trouble; from emergency hems to taping on a malfunctioning diaper, tape is the ultimate Band-Aid. But sometimes tape is just too awesome, too fun, and too ubiquitous for its own good. In fact tape may be corrupting America’s youth … or maybe it’s just corrupting my youth.

Tape is notably absent from school supply lists. I think I know why. A recent call from school (not telling which one) informed me that while my child was “not in trouble” they wanted me to be aware that he or she brought Duct Tape to school that was then used by other presumably “in trouble” children to tape innocent bystanders to posts and bind them to each other.

I pretended to be appalled by my child’s lapse in judgment and after reverifying for the record that no official rules had been broken and that this call was strictly informational, I boldly encouraged to the administrator to stick it to them.

Wanna say Hiya to Heija? Follow her on Twitter (@Heija) Friend her on Facebook or relax, sit back, and silently judge her life in the flickering glow of your computer screen at her blog The Worst Mother in the World (